When September Ends
by DreamscapeWriter
Summary: Set after 'Silent night' in an AU setting. Josh does take Donna for drinks at the Hawk and Dove. Things happen. Then more things happen. Rated M since that is as high as I can get on
1. Something Unnamed

**Disclaimer:** Still not mine, but I still dream of the day when I can read fanfics of characters that do belong to me ;)

 **Summary:** Set after 'Holy night' in an AU setting. Josh does take Donna for drinks at the Hawk and Dove. Things happen. Then more things happen. Rated M since that is as high as I can get on **update, Thank you DB for pointing the name out to me!

 **Author's Note:** First, thank you for reading my works. If you would like to review, I would love to hear feedback. This story is an idea I've wanted to read about, but have yet to find a fanfic quite like it. I tend to listen to music while I write. I listened to the works of Chase Holfelder (minor from Major) which I recommend regardless of my fanfiction, as well as 'btsk' by MrMs.

I do have about 3 chapters of this particular fanfic finished, but will post a chapter at a time incase I desire to make changes or decide to move things around. I also have another I'm working on concurrently, so feel free to read and review there as well. Cheers!

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When September Ends

Chapter 1: Something Unnamed

Washington D.C. was a city known for its' lifeline. The heart of an entire nation rested within the walls of a fairly sizable piece of real estate on Pennsylvania Avenue, currently enjoying an unexpectedly quiet evening. It gave way to the holiday spirit that fell with each snowflake. The snow in D.C. was much like snow elsewhere in that it was cold, wet, and fell often during times of inconvenience.

Tonight, it fell in drifts that piled high on the lawn of the White House, reaching to the windows and lining them with trails of Jack Frost. It blanketed the world in a billowy white, and for the moment, the sky had broken free and clear for the moon to shine down and create an almost incandescent glow. It was peaceful, and surprisingly calm in a city that was usually anything but.

Donna found it hard to be upset at the turn her holiday had taken with such a sight outside. She sat in Josh's office, waiting for him to return from a meeting with Leo. A surprise, of sorts, he no doubt was expecting her to be long gone by now. Leo had been gracious to offer her space on a press helicopter that would land near her intended destination for the long weekend, but that ship had sailed and left harbor hours ago. She sighed and laid her chin on her hands, watching the frosty wonderland from the window in Josh's office.

The one time she didn't hold out for a miracle, like say, getting off work before nine, the guy had gone and made the impossible possible. Only her date, Jack Reese, had taken her for her word and cancelled the arrangements and made other plans. It was slightly humorous, slightly, and tremendously ironic.

Her breath created a halo of fog on the window where she now rested her elbows on the cold sill. Childishly, she reached out the tip of her finger and drew a little stick figure in the fog, laughing at her own foolishness before the sound dropped away. Instinctively, she knew she was no longer alone. Years of working in the White House with _him_ had honed her senses to his comings and goings. She felt him enter the room even before he made a sound, but she didn't make move to greet him or stir from her place at the window, instead lost in some random thought that came from nowhere to distract and amuse her.

Josh had frozen in his place at his office door, unable to move. The sight that greeted him was unexpected. He had come from Leo's to get his coat and a few essentials before they were to man the phones. Expecting his office to be empty, after Leo's admission of Good will, he had been taken off guard at the silhouette sitting in his chair by the window. Inching his way into his office, he was further surprised to find he recognized the silhouette.

At first he was unable to speak, convinced he was merely seeing what he had desired most that evening. A thought that had been altogether perplexing and bothersome. Donna had gone on dates before, and even a weekend trip once, during their time together. Why this particular plan bothered him so profusely was beyond him. When Leo and the President had asked him to stay and pull strings, he had been uncharacteristically relieved at the delay in her plans. So much so that he had found reason to deny any piece he might have in its fallout. When Leo had announced his grand gesture, Josh had been equally crushed, temporarily losing control of emotions and ramblings he normally kept in check.

Leo, though understanding in his own way, he pulled Josh back as if scolding a small child. Leaving Josh with the only answer sufficient ' _I'm trying_.'

Mindless work was just what he needed to keep his mind of a particularly romantic evening that one woman in particular would be having without a chance for him to disturb it. For once, Josh would fail to sabotage, delay, or dampen an evening plan with a potential rival. The thought sat wrong with him. Despite the fact that Jack Reese was a republican, which was enough for Josh to find fault with the man, he was a decent guy. Clearly willing to work with the president on whatever his agenda may be Josh could find no fault with him, and that stuck with him. Most of Donna's _men_ could be easily labeled as gomer's. Josh felt little guilt over ruining evenings with men he felt beneath Donna, but Jack was a decent guy and it didn't feel right to sabotage someone who had more ethics and a decent political platform, even if he was a republican.

Still, the sight of her in his office gave him a tremendous amount of relief. Even when it became clear he wasn't hallucinating, he remained silent, unable or unwilling to disturb the peaceful image that faced him. He half wondered if she had fallen asleep at the window. A quick glance at his watch showed it after eleven and while not late by any standard, it was the holiday, and she had been expecting some time off. Perhaps coming down from the high she had been on earlier had left her worn out. Or maybe she was just disappointed. An uneasy feeling crept into his stomach, making it ache.

"Donna?" he questioned. Hating the emotion he heard.

But while Josh heard concern in his voice, Donna heard surprise causing her to lift her head and turn away from the vanishing shape on the window. She plastered a smile to her face, glad to see him despite his look of bewilderment and perhaps a bit of something else.

Josh cleared his throat, caught off guard by her smile. "I thought you—Leo, said he got you a flight…"

Donna waved off the rest of his ramble. "He did, and it was sweet, but Jack had already cancelled with the hotel and made other plans."

The relief he felt was too much, and he felt compelled to distance himself from it. "Sounds like a real winner if he was that quick to give up hope that you'd show up." Shoving his hands in his pockets, he strolled further into the office, his mouth turned up on one side giving just a hint of an air of satisfaction.

Donna rolled her eyes, "Oh please, Josh, if the man could even get half of his money back for what he must have paid for, he should. After all, this is all your fault, you know."

"My fault?!" Josh was incredulous. "How is this my fault?! We work in the White House Donna, we don't have the luxury of a normal schedule."

Again, a roll of her eyes, "If you could learn to trust the other secretaries, I could have had the whole weekend off like I asked, Josh. Even government employees are entitled to a little vacation time. Especially overworked and underpaid ones!" she rose to her feet, hands on her hips. She was starting to regret not taking Jack up on his offer to drive back and take her with him to meet his parents. At the very least she was regretting staying behind in his office.

"First of all," Josh started, pulling a hand from his pocket in order to demonstrate his points "none of them will come anywhere near me."

Donna smirked, "That's because every time one of them tries you yell at them."

"I do not ye—"He stopped and glared. He was not going to let her distract him. "Secondly, you get vacation time."

"Time on Air Force One and following you during fundraising parties does not count as time off" she countered triumphantly with a haughty tilt of her head.

Josh narrowed his eyes, he was clearly not going to win this fight, but he had one more ace up his sleeve. "And last, you are way more than a mere secretary Donna." There. That wasn't so hard.

It worked.

In a mere moment, Donna had gone from stiff as a board to heart-melted and petals wilted. "See. There you go again. You spend most of the night being you and then you go and say something like that."

"You're welcome."

Donna shook her head, looking almost sad. Or possibly, she was simply touched by what Josh had just said. Either way, she reached for the coat she had placed on his desk and folded it over her arm. "And on that note, I will call it a night," she remarked, making her way around the desk and past him.

"Wait," he called out, turning to catch her.

She turned, canting her head to the side questioningly.

"I promised to get you drunk at the Hawk and Dove, remember?" when she hesitated, he added, "It's the least I can do since you gave up being a princess for a night in some cold, damp, lonely castle."

The smile returned, lighting her eyes in a way that Josh found exhilarating. Like a breath of fresh air. "It may be damp, Josh, but I wouldn't be alone and I'm sure we would have found some way to stay warm."

The feeling was back. The ache in his gut that seemed to gnaw at him. He didn't remark to her comment, but turned back and reached for his phone. "Just give me a minute to let Leo know I'm going to take him up on his offer of an early evening and I'll be right with you."

Donna nodded, and walked out of his office and towards the front lobby. Josh's eyes followed her as she went, his face somber and devoid of any emotion. "Hey Leo, yea, look. I'm going to take your advice and make it an early night." He paused and listened, not surprised to hear the acquiescence on the other end of the line. Leo often gave advice, even if he didn't expect it to be followed. For once, Josh was glad Leo didn't push him to stay. After a brief goodbye and a promise to be in first thing after the holiday, he grabbed his things and made a beeline for the main lobby where Donna was no doubt waiting for him.


	2. Chapter 2 - Inhibition (Mature)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own, yadda yadda, I bow to the gods, yadda, I am not worthy, human sacrifice, you get the point?

 **Summary:** Post-Ep Holy Night - AU, Josh takes Donna out for drinks as promised for ruining her plans. MATURE

 **Author's Note:** For those following, thank you for bearing with me! The holiday's have slowed down my posting, but I hope you won't be disappointed. Also, I tend to multitask. So expect a ficlit up sometime soon with some random musings. Chapter 3 of "Blink of the Eye" is almost finished, and chapter 3 of this story IS done, but I'm wondering if I should make a less... explicit one? I hate to offend, but I also hate the idea of censoring my own writing. As always, feel free to review, message, give ideas, etc. Enjoy!

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 **When September Ends**

 **Chapter 2: Inhibition (Rated Mature, you have been warned)**

The Hawk and Dove was known for being loud and noisy, especially near the midnight hour, but tonight the crowd seemed especially full of Holiday Cheer. A live band had taken up a corner of the bar, playing rock versions of all the classic Christmas tunes surrounded by couples who preferred to 'rock the night away.' Decorations hung from every table and wall, with the frosted windows as finishing touches to the décor.

A table cleared itself just as Josh and Donna entered and they were quick to grab it, Josh taking Donna's order before making his way to the bar to get their drinks. The atmosphere gave him pause. Christmas was generally not a happy time for him. It was a reminder of many of the things that he still missed in his life and those he could not have. The bartender placed the drinks on the counter, a whiskey sour and a beer, and muttered a total.

Josh, feeling uncharacteristically generous, practically had to shout "Keep the change," as he handed over a 20 dollar bill to the bartender, a young guy he had never seen before who nodded his thanks, adding "Merry Christmas" at the last moment before turning to the next patron.

"Yea," Josh muttered, mostly to himself as he turned and made his way back to the table.

Donna was on the phone, one hand covering her opposite ear in an attempt to hear whomever was on the other end of the line. Josh laid her drink, the whiskey, in front of her before taking a swig from his beer. Lifting his eyebrows as he pulled the drink from his lips, he silently asked who was on the phone. Only Donna was so perceptive as to understand as she mouthed 'Mom' to him before nodding her head to some unheard question or statement her mother had just made.

"Uh huh. Yea, Mom. Yes, it is loud here. No, Jack did not take me… yes Josh. No mother. No. Uh huh. No, we made plans for next weekend. Uh huh. I know, I'm sorry. Yes, I know. Uh huh. Yes mom."

She smiled apologetically to Josh and lifted her drink to her lips. Distracted, she swallowed, "Yes mom." She managed to say, the burn in her throat causing her eyes to water. "Uh huh. No mom. No mom. No. I should—I should go. Yes mom. I will mom. Uh huh. You too. Bye"

She shut her phone and tucked it into her jacket pocket. "I'm really sorry about that. She forgets the time difference," she said by way of explanation as Josh nursed the tail end of his beer. She reached for her own glass again and downed the remainder in one go, causing Josh to raise an eyebrow as he finished his own drink.

"Don't worry about it," he said, indicating to a passing waitress for another round. "I take it she isn't too thrilled that I had your plans cancelled?"

Donna gave him a demure look, but didn't answer. Her mother had never been a fan of Josh, even though the two had never met. She attributed her daughters' lack of presence at any family function directly to Josh. Come hell or high water, no excuse was good enough to keep her little girl away from home on the holidays. She had even gone so far as to call Josh on one particularly busy Easter in order to complain. It didn't matter if the country had a budget or not, he was simply overworking her little girl and a shutdown would give her some much needed time off.

Josh had found it entertaining, Donna not so much. Truth be told, Donna had been appalled, embarrassed beyond belief. Not to mention the amount of ammo it had given Josh. Occasionally, he would still find some way to whittle in remark about the Easter bunny and cheese that made sense to him, but rankled on poor Donna's nerves. Of course, if her mother had only known the truth, that Donna had been staying with Josh during his period of mending she might have been more understanding. Or she might have believed her daughter was going to burn in hell for all her many sins of morality. It was hard to tell.

The next round arrived, and Donna silently lifted the glass to her lips. Her silent mood hadn't been missed by Josh, who had been watching her curiously.

"Donna?" he finally asked, "you still with me?"

"What?" Donna blinked, focusing back on the here and now, and again smiled apologetically. "No. She's not mad with you, she's mad at me for canceling them." She held up a hand to silence the denial on his lips. "She's right, Josh. I could have left earlier in the day. I could have asked Andrew to help make the calls, and Teri could have easily typed up the memos to even your satisfaction. I stayed because you wanted me to stay." She took another sip. Somehow, she thought admitting that would have made her feel better, but instead it only made her feel pathetic.

"Teri would have filled the memos with at least a dozen typos, plus she signs them all with a little heart for the 'i'" he made an accompanying dismayed hand gesture and shook his head disgustedly. "I mean, who does that?"

"Teri" Donna easily replied, hiding her smile with her glass. God but that burn did feel good on the way down, if you were expecting it.

"Donna," Josh said, causing her to raise her eyes. "I'm glad you stayed. Sorry to ruin your castle thing."

She had the good grace to laugh. "Oh, it's okay Josh. I'm sure I'll have another chance to act like a princess."

"You mentioned you made plans next week?" he replied nonchalantly, looking at the bar as though he were semi-disinterested.

Donna knew better. He was fishing. "Yes. We did. I had already requested next weekend off, which you approved I might add."

"Yea, about that-" he started.

"Josh!"

"Kidding, I'm kidding." He relented, the uneasy feeling returning, causing him to frown. Thankfully, Donna didn't notice, her eyes had been distracted by a couple of newcomers who were covered in snow. They were loudly discussing the sudden flurry with their friends at the immediate table.

"Guess I'll be sleeping in the office." Donna remarked, finishing her drink. Her flat was across town. Most of the major roadways had been closed for most of the day due to snow. She had hoped with the recent clearing she might have at least made it home, but now even that seemed impossible.

"Nah, you can stay with me." Josh offered, finishing his second round and throwing another $20 on the table. "I have a couch."

Donna looked skeptical, "Josh, no offense, but you do not have the most comfortable couch in the world."

Josh looked affronted. "My couch is very comfortable."

"You mean the one from college?"

Josh decided not to dignify the implication with comment, instead taking the high road. "You can have the bed, I can survive a night without it." Not mentioning that he often didn't make it to bed. Falling asleep on the couch had become too frequent of a habit for him.

For a moment, it looked like she was going to argue, but then she shrugged and reached for her coat. "Alright, but only if I can sleep in your Harvard sweater. The one with the thing on the front?" she said, standing and pulling her coat on.

"The insignia?" he questioned, with another raise of his brow.

"Yea, that."

"Fine. I'm not sure it's clean though."

"Why am I not surprised." She pulled on her gloves and pulled a scarf from her pocket, pulling it over her head.

"You look like one of those little Russian doll—" Josh started, before she silenced him with a glare. He put up his hands in defense and let it drop, making his way to the door and opening it for her.

Both of them stood for a moment in awe of the sight before them. The snow was coming down in clustered flurries, easily making it difficult to see. The light from the capital was much like the North Star guiding the wise men on their journey, a pinpoint in a flurried maze of doubt and insecurity. It was silent, and solemn— beautiful. It was only when someone from the bar commented on the draft that they scurried out and shut the door behind them.

"This way." Josh remarked, taking her overnight bag and heading down the lane.

Luckily, Josh's place was little more than a block away, a nice little brownstone with a great view of the city. It had been a steal at the time, and was even more so now since the place had been rent controlled. Josh always had a way to work the system to his advantage.

By the time they reached his place they were both numb to the bone and covered in a thick layer of powder. Josh was beginning to see the logic in Donna's scarf. Despite how thin it looked, it had managed to keep the snow from dampening her hair. She shook off the flakes before entering into his apartment complex, looking cold, but otherwise dry.

He, on the other hand, looked fairly damp. Donna smiled at the way his hair curled almost into ringlets about his face when wet. It made him look boyish. Her smile faded. It also made him look vulnerable and fragile. A reminder of how far they had come, how far they still had to go, and how close they came to never having the chance.

Silently, they climbed the stairs to the second floor, pausing only a moment as he unlocked the door and let her inside. His apartment was nicely heated and she felt glad to remove the jacket from her shoulders. She still wore the sweater from earlier, but she soon found even that too warm and pulled at its' sleeves as he muttered something about getting some things from his room before she turned in for the night.

Having spent time in his home during his recuperation, Donna easily knew where everything was. She found herself a glass, then opened his refrigerator. It was in a pitiful state. Pickles, beer, and a bottle of soda that looked more like molasses than cola, V8. _Wait, V8?_ She shook her head. That had to be a fluke, or it was from so long ago she couldn't even remember buying it for him. Certainly Amy wouldn't have thought of it, and she couldn't imagine Josh ever making such a purchase. She settled on some ice from the freezer and a bottle of water.

Hearing the shower, she took an opportunity to remove her shirt and bra and replace them with a thin camisole from her overnight bag where Josh had laid it on the table.

"At least I came prepared." She laughed at her own joke, reaching into her bag again. A bag that had been meant for a stay in a glorious castle, but would instead suffice for a sleepover with Josh.

 _At Josh's_. She meant at Josh's.

She shook her head, and listened for running water. Still hearing it, she removed her boots, socks, and pants and replaced them with a pair of pajama shorts. Her lingerie would stay neatly folded under her clothes. Josh didn't need to know ALL of her plans for the evening, even if she had hinted at them earlier.

Having folded up her clothes, she tucked them away and pulled out her toothbrush and toothpaste. The shower stopped just as she walked into the spare bathroom to freshen up for the evening, so she didn't feel guilty about flushing the toilet, though it would have made for an amusing scream from the other bathroom. She finished her evening toiletry, pulled her hair back and came back into the living room, just as Josh was returning.

He held out the Harvard sweater to her, as promised, pausing to look at her as she checked her phone for messages. A tightness formed in his chest as he did, she looked like she belonged, not like some stranger who only graced their presence every so often. Dressed in a mere camisole and pajama shorts that had seen better days, it marked a clear comfortability with him. It would have made him feel superior until he remembered that this wasn't a planned stay and that this casual look hadn't been meant for him but for somewhere else. He shook of the feeling and made his way for the kitchen. He was already feeling fuzzy from his drinks at the bar, but regardless he pulled open the door and held up a beer in offering when she looked up.

Donna shook her head, taking an appreciated glance at him as he looked for a bottle opener. His hair was now completely damp, only now from the shower rather than the snow outside. He looked refreshed in his white cotton top and boxers. It gave Donna full view of his well-honed calf and thigh muscles. Josh had been an avid runner before his accident and while he didn't run nearly as much as once he did, he still clearly worked out. She would have 'appreciated' the view more had it not been for the view she now caught outside.

"Wow," she started, making her way to the window. "It's really coming down."

"Yea, it's something." He remarked from behind her, but his eyes were firmly on her.

Josh joined her at the window, if only briefly, to hand her a beer despite her objection. He gave the outside only a passing glance before making his way to the couch. Her gaze followed him as he walked.

Somehow she had managed to miss the pillow and blanket he had bestowed there. As he plopped down, she came to join him, taking a swig of the beer (clearly he knew her better than she did) and leaning back. The two Whiskey sours made the world a pleasant glow, now the beer added a heaviness, causing her eyes to droop a bit as she watched the mesmerizing fall of the snow.

Josh was also caught in the falling maze. It reminded him too much of Christmas' past. Too much of snow ball fights unfought and snowmen left unbuilt. He closed his eyes and leaned back, enjoying the quiet and peace. A steadiness of her breathing next to him that drowned out any other thoughts that threatened to make room in his head.

"Mmm." The pleasant sound escaped Donna's lips, and Josh turned his head, opening one eye to look at her. She had turned her head towards him, eyes closed, wrapped in his sweater. God, she looked good. She shouldn't look so good.

"You should go to bed, Donna." He smiled, closing his eyes and listening to her regular breathing.

"Comfy here. Besides, my feet are cold." She replied, sleepily. Perfectly happy with the logic of her illogical answer.

"Here" he stated, not opening his eyes a second time, but somehow she knew what he wanted. She lifted her feet and placed them over his lap, turning her full body towards him. The motion put her only inches from his face, not that he noticed, but he could smell her. He could almost taste the scent of her toothpaste, the vanilla fragrance she wore behind her ear, the sweet cucumber melon of her deodorant. He placed his hands on her cold toes by method of distraction, already he could feel sleep looming.

The warmth of his hands, and Donna inched ever so slightly forward. "Mmm, better." She replied in a breathy whisper. So close that it made his fingers ache. His breath hitched ever so slightly. He was tired. That had to be it. If he could just get her to bed.

"Donna." He managed to say, but it came out a rough whisper.

Hazy as her mind was, she felt it more than heard it. "Josh." She acknowledged, leaning forward in an effort to pull herself off the couch so he could rest when they collided. Forehead to forehead with a painful _thump!_

"Ow!" came from Josh as he raised a hand to his head, Donna had done the same, coming hazily awake. She leaned forward.

"Ow, sorry! Ow… you have a hard head." She rubbed the tender spot on the side of her temple.

"Me!?" Josh winced at the sound he made, "You're the one who leaned into me" He pulled his hand back, tentatively pressing the spot. His eyes fell to Donna, still rubbing her head with her eyes closed, lips pursed in a pout.

"Here, let me look" he said, reaching out with both hands to lift her face. He tilted her head, eyeing the bruise that was beginning to swell and color. "It will bruise, but you should be—" he paused, caught by the sudden doe look in the those blue eyes that stared up at him. So close, just a fraction away.

He wasn't sure what happened next. Whether the haze of the alcohol had made him bold, whether the heated look in her eyes drew him in, or the sheer desire building in that moment, whatever the reason, he pulled her face that fraction closer and with a roughly rushed "Donna" he placed his lips to hers.

It was a tentative kiss at first, but the shock went straight to the core. The second kiss was more exploration. Soft, gentle, coaxing. He inhaled sharply through his nose, she gasped through her lips.

"Donna—" this time it wasn't a question, but a plea. She reached out a hand to his chest, a silent answer to whatever question he was wordlessly asking her. Yes.

Now the kiss became more aware and demanding. One hand snaked towards her waist, pulling her closer to him as his body angled itself more to hers. She angled her mouth against his, her hand caressing his cheek before moving to curl her fingers into his damp hair, to pull him closer. Her lips parted, granting his tongue access to hers. He groaned in her mouth, his hand slipping under the sweater she wore, his sweater, to find the soft, supple mound beneath still clad with a thin layer of cotton.

He groaned at the feel of her beneath him and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

His fingers contracted, pinching the taut nipple and eliciting a gasp from Donna as she pulled back from his kiss to arch her body into his hand, revealing her neck to him. He didn't need much of a hint, leaning forward to place hot, wet open-mouthed kisses on her flushed skin. Sweat had put a shine to it and her pulse throbbed as he traced the side of her neck with the edge of his teeth.

Pulling herself into his lap, she rocked against him involuntarily, grinding against the length of him, causing him to turn hard. He groaned against her throat and rocked into her. His hands finding their way to her hips to apply pressure and keep her where she was, unable to release the sensations she was causing.

"Josh!" his name came in a breathy whisper, pulling back to look at him. He threw his head back as she rocked against him once more, his eyes rolling back against the sensation. It was exotic and arousing to know she had such power over him, to know she could do this to him.

"Oh god—Donna!" the need in his voice creating in ache deep down in her and she wanted so much to give him whatever he needed. Her hands free, she raked them under his shirt, nails making contact with his flesh and jumping at her touch. She rained kisses down his face and neck, sliding her tongue along his skin and savoring the taste of him. He jumped against her and she could feel his length harden further against her.

The feeling was not merely exclusive, just as she aroused him, he could feel the arousal building in her. The shorts she wore provided his roaming hands with easy access. He could feel the heat coming off of her. The thin fabric already wet from their meager actions, he had the fight the urge to rip them from her so that he could take her then and there. Despite how ready she felt, he knew he had to build her up before he could proceed.

"Bed." He managed to grind out against her lips.

"Bed," she agreed, but neither of them moved, too unwilling or unable to leave the sensation behind, even for a moment.


	3. Chapter 3 - Suffocation

**Disclaimer:** This next chapter is explicit. If you dislike such material, find them offensive, repulsive, you like a boring existence to refer to as life, or you have chosen the divine path of the church, then this chapter is not for you. I suggest you skip ahead. Move along now, nothing to read here…

 **Summation:** Suffocation. The feeling of being starved of air. For some, it brings a sense of panic, or dread. It is said to heighten the awareness of other senses. Touch becomes intense, almost painful. Taste becomes acute, complex. Feeling becomes almost surreal, imaginative and provocative, while the sense of hearing becomes tuned in.

This is likely why suffocation, or oxygen deprivation is considered to be the most torturous manner of death. It consumes the entire body in a single feeling.

For those who accept it, crave it, it is exhilarating. The feeling of skin on skin becomes intensely erotic. A single heartbeat that can thrum through one body into the other until two hearts are beating in sync as one. Breathing becomes intense demanding. It drives the body, taking on a mind and rhythm of its' own.

 **Author's Note:** I apologize for the delay, or dear followers, but I wanted to make sure the 4th chapter was up for those who dislike explicit material. I hope you enjoy! Thanks DB for the encouragement. Please keep the feedback coming and feel free to send requests or suggestions for ficlits or one-shots. Cheers!

* * *

 **When September Ends**

 **Chapter 3: Suffocation**

Josh didn't know where to put his hands. He ran them along her back, over the curve of her shoulder, along the slender length of her arm, the smooth skin of her thighs, the supple skin of her breasts, her stomach, but it wasn't enough. He wanted, needed more. Crushing her against him, he relished in the sharp intake of her breath, the moan he caught from her lips in his throat. The heat coming from her body melting into him. He couldn't move. Didn't dare, for fear whatever haze lay over their minds would clear like a cold slap of air once they separated.

Instead, he wanted to fuse against her, wanted her body connected to his so that there would be no moment of clarity. Alarm bells rang in the back of his mind, but the roar of the blood in his ears was louder.

Donna was having a similar time fighting the mix of emotion and feeling in her own body. His fingers ran along the edge of her stomach, teasing a trail that was somewhere between a tickle and a torturous, trail of arousal. Her whole body shuddered at the feeling, longing both to pull away from it and lean into it. Hips rolled, eliciting a hiss from her counterparts' lips, while a smile played off her own. Clothing fell away piece by piece, with both an urgency and a slow need for seduction. Her shirt came first, pulled frantically over her head as her need for his mouth escaped reason.

"Josh"

His name was like a prayer. A plea. A demand. _Touch me. Please, God, touch me._ And he did. Reverently at first. His eyes taking in the full beauty before him, reaching out to run fingers along the slender curve of her skin. Tracing the dark areola of her nipple and sucking in a ragged breath as he watched it tighten and lift under his ministrations. Urgency came next. A gasp came from her lips as he dropped his mouth to her, taking her in with a delicate demand. Sound filled her ears, could that be her voice? Sobbing, begging him for more. Begging him to make her feel something other than the empty doubt that had filled her mind for months following the hearings.

"Oh God, Donna…" he shuddered as he turned from one breast to the other, giving it equal attention.

"Yes, Josh, yes" was all she could manage in response. The shorts she wore were becoming confining. She ground against him as he nipped at her, eliciting a playful squeal that drove Josh's senses mad.

This wasn't foreplay, this was raw need. Passion. It was going to kill him and he didn't even have his clothes off yet. Of course he'd been with women before, but he had never experienced such arousal so quickly and with so little action on his part. She was driving him insane. He could feel how wet she was as she ground against him. Already ready for him, ready for him to slip inside of her. He groaned at the mere thought, his hands finding her hips, holding her steady as she rode against him. It was the most agonizing bliss he'd ever experienced.

Already he could feel his blood quickening, his need rising. She shifted just slightly, a simple rotation and he bit down on her shoulder. She gasped in his ear, not in pain, but in shock and fire. She twisted again and his hands pulled of their own volition. A ripping sound filled the air, causing only a brief moment of reprieve as she felt a coldness against her in places that burned like fire.

She thought she heard Josh mutter an apology, but she cut him off with her mouth. Pressing against him more firmly as she crushed her lips to his, her tongue seeking him and melting into him when she found it.

The tattered remains of her scanty shorts still clung about her thighs, unsalvageable. Josh made use of the new access to let his hand find her wet folds, barely concealed behind the thin fabric of her thong. A part of him knew that this was meant for another man. That if circumstances had been different she wouldn't be here with him tonight, welcoming his kisses and caresses, but he didn't care. In the end, he had won, though he hadn't realized the full prize that would be his. But as he touched her, all thoughts of competition vanished. God, she was as ready as he was. The slightest touch and he felt himself grow harder against her. At that moment, he would give anything to fulfill her desires. To fall short in this woman's eyes would be more detrimental than to let down Leo or the President of the United States.

His mind cleared, he pulled her from him. Breaking the kisses that were playing havoc on his brain. He looked at her face, saw the questions through the hazy arousal, and cleared them with a simple movement. With a deep breath, he shifted his position on the couch, pushing her to the seat next to him and leaning her back. Donna looked back with questions, his answer was the feel of trembling fingers on the edges of her panties, pulling them off, down her long thighs as he maintained eye contact with her the whole time.

It was possibly the most arousing thing Donna had ever experienced in her life. With the tattered remnants of her shorts disposed of and her panties gone, Josh was able to look at her in all her glory. The small, neatly maintained patch of blond curls gently hid her sex from view, but even in the faint light he could see the glistening on her curls from their earlier handling. Somehow, he managed to refrain from some entirely irreverent and mood-killing comment about the curtains matching the drapes and simply looked at her, feasting on her with his eyes.

Donna leaned back, her tongue lightly running along her lips, urging him to move, to continue this game of cat and mouse they had begun. Slowly, his hands worked their way back up her legs, feeling their way up along the smooth skin until they rested on her thighs. She breathed heavily, her chest rising and falling as he gently urged her thighs apart, revealing more of her to him. Leaning down he caressed her knee with his tongue, causing her eyes to close, back to arch as a shudder overtook her body. She leaned back into the couch, as he trailed hot, open-mouthed kisses along her inner thigh. Her breathing hitched, became erratic as he hovered just over her sex, breathing her in before taking her with his mouth.

The first touch of his tongue on her caused her to scream, a short burst of desire not pain. One hand clutched desperately to the couch cushion as the other found its way into his hair, begging him to continue.

 _Don't stop, please, don't stop._

"Oh, Josh" she sighed, feeling his smile against her as he encircled the sensitive nub he had found. Nipping at it and sucking at it as she rocked her hips into him involuntarily. As he worked his tongue on her, her pace quickened. She could feel the heat rising in her belly and spreading out like a fan.

"Oh, so, so…" but she couldn't get the word out as she twisted her hips against him, urging his mouth to find the right spot, to send her over into a promised bliss she had only dreamed about.

Oh, Donna had orgasmed before, and with men that Josh would likely label as gomers, but always with her help and never of their own demonstrations. She had begun to wonder if it was just her. If true orgasms were a myth one read about in books. Until she felt him slip a finger inside her and she nearly came then and there.

"Ah" came the whimper and she pushed against him. The heat expanding out, the urgency of her need becoming almost unbearable.

"Josh! I need, I need—" as if knowing what she needed, he lifted her hip with one hand, giving him a slightly better angle as he slipped another finger inside of her. His tongue and mouth teasing her sex more frantically, causing just enough pressure to send her tumbling over the edge into oblivion.

"Oh, Yes! Yes! Josh" she shouted, her hips grinding to a halt as she felt the rubber band snap and release, her whole body tightening and releasing in ecstasy.

Josh felt her inner walls clench about his fingers, and he shifted uncomfortably at the sudden tightening in his groin. His tongue became less demanding and more sensual as he eased her into a cool down. She panted sharply, her lungs aching for air. Even in his heightened stage of arousal he was feeling pretty smug, though he tried to hide it as he pulled away from her, trailing kisses along her stomach and breasts before withdrawing his fingers from her.

He lifted his head to look at her where she lay panting for breath, eyes closed, in a state of complete satisfaction. He freed his hand from beneath her and ran his other along the length of her side, enjoying the goosebumps that rose along her skin in his wake. Her eyes fluttered open and he turned a dimpled smile towards her.

"You da man" she managed, still panting over a laugh, causing one from him as well.

"I wasn't going to say it"

"You deserved it."

"So did you" he added back with another smile.

Donna had the curtesy to blush and pushed herself on to her elbows, the remains of her orgasm still making her body like Jello, her skin flushed to a fetching shade of pink.

"I feel that I should repay the favor, you know, show you what a good boy you've been." Donna chose her words carefully, knowing any mention of their work relationship would instantly break the spell and end the night sooner than her body demanded and needed it to.

"Oh, what are you going to do to me?" he asked in feigned alarm, then leaned forward and lifted a brow provocatively. "What are you going to do to me?" he asked, more teasing.

Donna didn't respond with words, but rather action. She lifted a hand and pulled him for a kiss, the slow kind that slowly melts your brain and sends every nerve on end with anticipation. The other had found its' way into the front entrance of his boxers, ending the game of Hide and Seek as she freed his engorged member from its' entrapment. He pulled back on a sharp intake of air. The sensation of her skin on him wildly intoxicating, but he knew he wouldn't last long if she kept doing what she was doing.

While he was lost in thought, Donna had lifted herself to her haunches and was trailing kisses against his neck. The shock of her so close without his notice sent his senses in a tizzy. He was thankful for the lack of confinement against him, but relished in the feel of her warm, soft belly against his flushed member. Her hand released him and he didn't know whether to be thankful or mourn the loss. He never got the chance to answer as she pulled his shirt over his head and his boxers down in such a quick succession that he didn't even have time to react against the drop to her knees and the quick pull of him into the warm confines of her mouth that caused him to bite the side of his mouth to keep from crying out.

His seated position left her firmly planted between his legs in front of him and the couch, her eyes watching him coyly as she snaked her tongue around his cock, running it over the tip of his penis to earn another hiss of pleasure from his lips. She could feel him growing, knew she wouldn't have long before she would need to stop. Knew him well enough to know he wanted to be inside of her as much as she wanted him. Still, she couldn't ignore the desire in her belly to arouse him in the same way that he aroused her. Could feel him fight the urge to pump against her, even as he hands tangled in her head, subconsciously pulling her closer, holding her against him. She felt his balls tighten and released him as he panted and gasped.

"God, Donna."

She made move to rise, but his hands forcefully, but gently, pushed her back until she was against the floor. Staring up at him with wide, lust-filled eyes. He claimed her mouth with his, fusing them together. Already, the scent of their lovemaking surrounded them, driving them towards an edge they never planned to cross. Josh pulled back for only a moment, giving her a final chance to turn back, but all he saw was the same desire and impatience on his own face. He lifted his hips as she spread her thighs to make room for him. He hesitated.

"Josh, please"

It was all he needed to hear. The feel of her hand on him removed all remaining thoughts of doubt as she guided him to her entrance, wet from her previous orgasm and the desire coursing through her veins.

"Please" she said again as her back arched, head tilted, eyes closed. It was all too much, he drove into her forcefully, despite his desire to make it slow and sensual. He caught her cry with him mouth, feeling her close around him, accommodate his length. He groaned in satisfaction, the sheer warmth and wetness nearly driving him over the edge to an early finish. It was by the grace of God he managed to hold back, holding still, hovering above that point of oblivion.

"Oh, God, Donna" he ground out as she shifted against him, suddenly impatient for him to move. Just the feeling of their connection was causing her blood to boil, creating the slow rise, the tension winding tighter and tighter. Still, he didn't move. She twisted, writhed, begged. It was the sudden feel of nails down his back that sent him into action. Pulling back tantalizingly slow, before delving back into her, deeper, deeper.

Already, he could feel her muscles contracting, her sobbing for release as he picked up his pace. He rested his weight on one forearm as he reached down for her clit with his other. The first touch sent her tumbling over the edge, her legs wrapping about his waist, pulling him tighter against her, closer still. The feel of her convulsing around him slowly driving him insane. He was so close, but he couldn't quite reach the edge of the precipice.

As she came down, he slowed his movement, teasing her entrance with the tip of his cock before sinking back into her wet, warm folds. She hummed her appreciation, her inner muscles relaxing into a steady clench and release as she worked to build him up. Her hips rocked up to meet him, in time with one another. He thrust into her and held his position, his arms straining in exhaustion, the haze of the alcohol making his muscles turn to liquid.

"Roll over" she whispered, and he obliged. Disappointment was hardly what he was expecting after _that_ , but Donna surprised him. He expected a sympathy blowjob, or maybe a quick hand job to finish him up before they fell asleep. Instead, Donna straddled his waist, positioning him at her entrance before sinking inch after glorious inch into her folds. He watched, fascinated, feeling a familiar twitch deep within his groin as she seated herself fully on him.

Before he could say a word, she began to move. Rocking her hips in a circular motion, twisting against him, he felt a bold of electricity shoot through him unexpectedly. His hips thrust up of their own volition, all trace of weakness removed by a sudden urgency building within. Donna ground herself against him, shifting so that he hit the perfect spot, causing her to cry out. The sound drove into him, making him want to do it again and again until she was weak and begging for release.

This position had many advantages, including giving him free range to feel her and see her. He ran his hands over her lithe body, pinched her nipples, and caressed her breasts until she was panting with renewed need. Her need drove him, built him up until he felt himself nearing the edge. As he trust against her, he moved a hand urgently to her clitoris, rubbing the swollen nub in circular motions, driving Donna towards the same precipice he was racing towards.

And they leapt.

Just as he felt he couldn't hold back any longer, he felt her clench around him in the tell-tale signs of her release. He increased his effort, thrusting with urgency as he felt the tightness explode into a flurry of fire. His hands found her hips and crushed them against his, stilling all movement but her squirms of release. He shouted and thrust his head back, feeling himself spill into her, her walls milking him for all he had.

Finally, she collapsed atop him. His hands and arms coming to wrap themselves around her as they both panted and heaved, gasping for air for their starved lungs. Neither saying a word, just laying for the moment as they came down from the high.


	4. Chapter 4 - The Only Way Out

**Disclaimer:** Did you know these guys aren't mine? I'd almost forgotten. If you feel your missing something, take a look at Chapter 3, unless you hate smut, than don't and just proceed.

 **Summary:** It was never going to end well, but did it have to end like this?

 **Author's Note:** No, this isn't the end, there is much more to come. Keep the feedback coming if you have it. I also love mindless praise, it fuels the need to please you. ;) Thanks for reading!

* * *

 **When September Ends**

 **Chapter 4: The Only Way Out**

It didn't happen. It couldn't possibly have happened, but it had. The proof was right there in his arms, lying against him on the cold floor of his apartment. Josh couldn't be sure when it happened, but somehow he had managed to find and wrap them in a blanket. Why they hadn't moved to the bedroom, or at least the couch was beyond him. Wincing against the bright light of morning had been a shock, his head pounding, but the warmth against his side, the blonde splay of hair on his chest and shoulder had been more-so.

For just a moment, he had questioned what the hell had happened last night. Then it all came back to him, thankfully. He imagined it would have been worse for him in the long run if he had blacked it all out, not that this was a good thing either.

Oh, but it had been a good thing. He knew that much. His groin still tightened at the thought of what had transpired on his couch, the floor, and much of the living room. Not only once, but multiple times. They had woken shortly after their first bought of lovemaking only to start another. Each time longer and more creative than the last. He fought the urge to groan aloud. This was bad, very bad, and although he wanted nothing more than to continue last night's love-making, he knew it was a one-time deal that would have to stay on this side of the door.

The administration couldn't survive another scandal. Hell, he wasn't sure he could, and Donna? If the press ever got wind of this they would rip her to shreds. It didn't matter that Donna was the best at her job, regardless of education, all that mattered was the appearance of impropriety.

And it hurt. Hurt like hell knowing that it was a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Either way, Donna was the one who was going to be hurt and he knew it. Hell, he'd always known it. Had always felt it. From the first day that she walked into his office and proclaimed herself his secretary without being hired, he'd known she was special. Okay, so maybe he hadn't known it at first, but the moment she'd spoken like the future President of the United States, Governor Barlett? He'd known. He'd known she was special and known she would be trouble.

Worse, he'd become tangled up in her. He grimaced at the comparison when they were so nicely tangled up now. He'd allowed himself to get pulled into her down-to-earth charm. Found her inexperience in politics refreshing, her wiliness to learn and be taught enlightening, because what he gave to her she gave right back ten-fold, without thought or care.

She never hesitated to say what was on her mind, but was more tactful than he was in saying it. She wouldn't stop for red lights. She didn't. He knew that now. He'd been in trouble, she hadn't even known it, yet instinctively he knew it. She hadn't stopped. Well, that and the ticket that he found in his office upon his return for work.

He knew there was a bond between them, knew she watched him when he wasn't looking, knew she gauged his reaction on the guys she was dating, knew she secretly relished being sabotaged into canceling dates last minute or being forced to return to work when there was literally nothing to be done. It was him. It was flattering, but off-limits.

And he had tried to tell her, never straight forward, that wasn't his style. He'd always been round-about, tongue-in-cheek. Showed other women interest, dated a few of them, captivated (at least temporarily) with one or two of them, but he knew they didn't measure up and he knew that it hurt her every time he left with one of them. He hadn't at first, but Joey Lucas had put the idea into his head until even he hadn't been that blind.

Her relationship with Cliff Calley had been the final straw when it came to his own feelings. He still remembered his anger when she'd told him about the diary. No doubt she had thought he was angry over her lying to congress, and at first he had himself believed it to be the reason too. Until he found himself on the phone to Calley trying to figure out how to get Donna out of the hole she'd dug herself into. He's not only risked his freedom for her, he'd risked his professional career.

Was it sad those were his priorities?

He'd been both glad and devastated when she'd found interest in Jack Reese, local commando. Glad because it put some distance between them and devastated because he'd been finally coming to terms with his own feelings for her and had had little time to prepare himself for the blow that would come from seeing her with another man. Usually, Donna dated men to make him jealous, this time, she was dating a man because she actually liked him.

In his pain, he'd even tried to bribe her out of it by selfishly revealing his own boyish feelings for her, only to have her painfully ignore them, ignore him. It had hurt. More than he expected it to hurt. Worse than the first time she'd left, when she had gone back to Dr. Freeride, but less than the pain he'd felt last night when Leo had told him she'd left to be with Jack.

It was selfish need that caused him to cling to her last night. Refusing to let her be alone for fear she would change her mind and find some way to be with Jack after all. Now, here it was, Christmas morning and she was still asleep after a long night of lovemaking, blissfully unaware that he was going to have to rip her heart out again.

As though sensing his tension, she shifted against him until rolling over to her other side, making some small intelligible sound that tormented his body as much as his mind. Now free, he rocked to a seated position and scrubbed his hands over his face and through his hair in quick succession. It didn't help. The tension was still there. So was the guilt.

"Merry Christmas" he whispered to himself, more ironically than anything. He certainly didn't expect a response back.

"Same to you" came the sleepy reply over his shoulder.

He turned his head, peering over his shoulder to see her staring at him, the light from the window reflecting on to her face, giving her an almost angelic look and again, it tore at him.

"Yea, well—"he raised his brows a moment before turning back and staring towards his couch and beyond it into the kitchen, seeing nothing.

"Hey—"she said, rising from her place. Her knees lifted under the blanket, she folded her arms over them and looked at his face. If he was any other man, she might never have guessed, but this was Josh and his regret was written as clear as glass on his face. It was a split second decision. How to play her next move. A part of her had hoped to find something different when she awoke, but the more sensible part of her knew what to expect.

Long after the lovemaking had ended. Long after she had curled into him in temporary bliss. Long after the steady rise and fall of his chest was matched by the regular breathing from his ever-so-slightly parted lips, Donna had known. She had lain awake to watch him sleep. To cling to the moment she knew would end in just a few short hours. When the heat of their union had faded, she'd pulled away only long enough to clean herself and fetch a blanket from his room for them. She'd carefully laid it over him, lost in the boyish look of sleep that was on his face and sighed.

It was everything she had ever dreamed, literally, and it was all a mistake. A misplayed move at the wrong time and the wrong place. Yet it had felt so good, so right.

In her head, she had played the possible scenarios of the coming morning. In one, Josh would rise confused and angry, accusing her of things he knew she hadn't done simply to clear his own conscience. In another he had simply woken and left her alone in his apartment, hoping she would take the hint. Then, she'd allowed herself just one of those scenarios to imagine him waking her with a smile, looming over her as he waited for her to awake so they could resume last night's activities in the light of day with clear minds and renewed energy. She imagined words that were beyond Josh's comprehension, imagined emotions she kept well in-check. Scenarios that involved solutions and planning and action. Of course, she's always planned for this one, the most obvious one, the regret.

What she hadn't thought out was how to respond to it. It would have been so much easier if she didn't feel, but that was a part of politics she had yet to learn, despite having tried.

"About last night" she started, she turned her face away and licked her lips. A part of her hoped he wouldn't let it end, a part of her hoped he would stop her from what she was going to say next. To take her in his arms and tell her they would find a way to make it work, or at least to try, but she knew it wasn't going to happen. With Josh it was never that black and white.

"Yea, about that. Look, Donna—"she cut him off before he could continue.

"It was just sex Josh" each word hitting its mark in her like a knife "you can wipe the deer in the headlights look off your face. It's not like we need to have the talk." She needed to move, to get away from him or else she was going to crack, to break, and she needed to at least have her dignity, her pride, if she was going to survive this. Survive the ultimate rejection.

She rolled to her feet, wrapping the blanket about her as she stood and looked down at him. "Look, I'm going to go shower and then head out. I'm sure there's work to be done at the office, right?" she started around the couch and towards the hall, gathering her bag as she went.

"You don't have to—it's Christmas, you don't have to come in" he managed, dumbfounded, staring after her as she went.

He still looked confused when she stopped at the bathroom door and turned to face him. "Thanks. Maybe I will stay home. Jack should be back today anyways." She gave him one last smile that didn't reach her eyes and moved into the bathroom. The lock on the door echoing like a gun in the back of his head.

For a moment, he couldn't breathe. It took a moment to regain his bearing from her last parting shot. They'd just spent almost an entire night having sex in virtually every square inch of his living room (okay so maybe that was an exaggeration, but still!) and she was just going to meet up with Captain Glorious as if nothing had happened?

A voice in the back of his mind reminded him that it was better this way and that this was the easy out he was hoping for. She would leave and it would be as though it never happened. No scandal, no repercussions, no fallout. So why the hell did it bother him so much. Her reaction had seemed almost cold, vacant, but maybe she was just realizing what a mistake it had been too. Was that it? Or was there more to it? Women were so damn confusing.

Josh shook his head and reached for his boxers, pulling them on as he stood and reached for his discarded shirt pulling that on as well. Casually, he ran his fingers through his hair as he moved to the kitchen to start his coffee maker. It took him only a moment to realize it was already set-up, something he never did. A frown settled on his face and he cast a look towards the bathroom door questioningly then shook his head. Donna must have set it up last night while he was taking a shower. He pressed the button and headed back to the couch, sitting down and staring out the frosted window with questions on his mind.

He was still there when she returned some 20 minutes later, fully dressed and looking refreshed. Her eyes were slightly red, but that could easily be attributed to the water of the shower. She stepped into her shoes and reached for her coat, pulling it on as she spoke.

"Well, I see you found the coffee"

She managed a smile, and slung her purse over her shoulder.

"Yea, thanks for that."

She smirked "Don't get used to it."

"Yea, look, you want me to call you a cab or drive you?" he rose from his spot and moved towards her until she lifted a hand.

"Don't worry, I already called a company. They should be here any time." She paused for only a moment. "I'll see you on Monday."

"Yea" Josh replied, watching her smile one last time before she walked out of the door, leaving him alone in his cold apartment with only his thoughts to comfort him.


	5. Chapter 5 - Interlude

**Title** : Interlude

 **Disclaimer:** I've checked the recent poll data, which indicates these characters are not mine. Stupid Gallup results…

 **Summary:** Reflections are imperfect. There is always a flaw in the looking glass.

 **Author's Note:** Sorry for the long wait, writers block. I'm also working on a series of one-shots to go up soon, as well as an AU in which Josh is a stalker.

I felt that Donna's perspective required its own chapter. Josh tends to dominate everything *insert eye roll here*

That said, this chapter is all about Donna's reflection over what happens in the aftermath of Christmas Eve and morning, and a bit of reflection on the days to follow. I really wanted to work more with her character as I feel she is often down played. The subtlety of Janel Maloney's portrayal is a brilliant lead up into the later seasons. There is a reason Whitford loved her the moment she opened her mouth for a single throwaway line. I'm sad she isn't in more works today, but I also understand.

Oh look, I've gone off on ramble…

As always, feel free to comment, request, favorite, follow, etc. I appreciate your participating in this walk within my imagination.

 **Feedback:** Oh my god, I love when you guys comment :) Please keep it coming!

* * *

 **When September Ends**

 **Chapter 5: Interlude**

Reflection; The act of throwing back light, imagery, heat, or sound without any absorption. The art of introspective thought and process.

The art of looking back.

The thought was appropriate given the past several hours activities that had lulled down to a quiet snore from the floor of Josh's apartment where he lay, naked and splayed. A man of little shame or sense of common decency. From her place on the couch, a half-smile spread on the face on Donna Moss, professional Aide extraordinaire. She sat, clad only in panties, on the center cushion of the couch, arms folded between her knees and chest as she watched the man sleep.

Even in his unconscious state he was a sight to behold, hair tussled, face relaxed. For once at peace. It was a sight she had so rarely seen and so she had felt the need to watch it as long as it remained. She knew soon the nightmares would set in and the playful, relaxed features would be replaced by ones of agony, frustration, and terror. Faces she had seen on too many occasions since he had been shot and practically left for dead on the steps of Rosslyn.

Sitting up, she rolled her shoulders uncomfortably before rising and quietly padding towards the kitchen. It amazed her that Josh could be so alert and attentive in the office and yet have the ability to crash as hard as he did when he finally escaped away from it. She found the coffee pot amongst some well-seasoned dishes and frowned dismally. As quietly as she could, she ran the water until it turned hot and placed the glass container underneath, adding the last drops of dish soap and watching the bubbles froth to the life.

In many ways, Josh was like a child. He fought dirty, played whenever allowed, refused to sleep with all his might, and then crashed hard. She mused over the idea as she scrubbed the coffee pot clean, filled it with fresh water and set up the maker to start at 6:30am. It felt normal, natural to be here like this. Nearly naked, moving about the apartment without care, arranging things for the morning without care. But her movements were clipped and precise, made with thought and precision. A sigh came from her lips. It was the role she played. The role of a 'professional aide' to one of the most powerful men in Washington. Doing whatever was needed to ensure the political flow ran smoothly. The only difference was a few key articles of clothing which now lay strewn on the floor after having been so deliciously removed hours earlier.

A noise from behind the couch caught her attention and she padded back to see that Josh had thrown an arm over himself, head cast to the side. He looked cold, or maybe it was just her, maybe she had grown cold. Whatever trace of a smile that had still remained on her lips now vanished as she turned her head to the open room adjacent to the living room. Josh's room.

She hesitated to go into that room, that room that was so him. Only once before had she been inside and the circumstances had been much different. It had been light, for one, and he had still been recovering from the injuries of Rosslyn. It had become like a second home and she had treated it as such. Now, it was more personal and less familiar. A place she didn't belong.

A place where Amy had been welcome.

A sudden chill overtook her body forcing her to turn and move into the darkened room, lit only by the red light of Josh's alarm clock proclaiming it to be just after 5:00am. Reaching for the comforter, she paused and looked about the room. Her eyes had adjusted enough to make out the few, though significant, changes. There was no longer a television on his dresser. Bed neatly made, clothes strewn about the floor like some adolescent frat boys, and a picture rested on night stand near the clock. But it wasn't of her.

She turned away, pained, clutching the blanket as she swept from the room and towards the place where Josh lay. His once peaceful face was now marred with deep set lines of worry. Quickly, she covered him before joining him underneath. It was a well-rehearsed act and she played her part well. An arm draped over his waist, head on his shoulder, and a leg over his thigh. It was all calming, a reminder that someone was there. Only now that someone was mostly naked. Mindlessly, she began to ramble, her voice soft, barely a whisper.

"I'm here, I'm here" she repeated over and over, until she felt his muscles relax, felt the tension ebb away. "I'm not going anywhere."

She laughed, a bitter sound as she tilted her head against his shoulder.

"You might wish I had. I might wish I had." She clarified, closing her eyes as she listened to him breathing. Josh was nothing if not predictable within limits. The night had been a welcome distraction, but too soon she knew it would come to an end and Josh would wake to the reality of his actions. If the alcohol had too much effect he might not remember. At least not all of what had transpired and that could bring out the panic, the will in him to clear his head of wrong doing.

Mentally, she winced. The situation that would unfold would be much like the night she had confessed about the diary and lying about its existence. The anger on his face had been startling, but the disappointment had been worse. After Cliff had scanned it she had promptly burned it and never picked up another. The situation was certainly not one she wished to repeat, but somehow she didn't believe this scenario was a likely one either.

For a moment, she wondered if he would be able to handle the situation at all. Josh had never been one to handle situations of intense stress well. He over-reacted, or worse, ignored it entirely. There was a genuine possibility that he could simply wake up and go on with his day as if nothing had happened, nothing had changed. Donna's eyes slid open, a frown upon her face. This was one of the more painful outcomes. A return to how things had been, with the addendum that nothing had ever happened.

It would kill her.

Not physically, no. Donna was stronger than that, but mentally, it would have a strong impact on her. Emotionally, it would crush her. Despite living in the city now, she was still a small-town girl at heart who believed in modern values. She wasn't completely naïve. She didn't expect chastity, but loyalty was important.

Her eyes slid closed against the threat of tears. A smile replacing the frown as she heard the normalness of Josh's breathing. At least she could bring some peace to his chaotic life. For that moment, she allowed herself the fantasy. The fantasy of the happy ending that didn't exist to the Josh Lymans, Leo McGarrys, and Toby Zieglers of the world. The ones only she and Sam dared to dream about. She imagined being woken with kisses along her naval, the scent of coffee in the air, and the familiar sound of a shower being warmed for use. Her eyes sliding open to the smiling face above hers. Coaxing her into a shower where they would resume last night's lovemaking, blow off work, and make a plan that included the two of them as a team, rather than just two individuals. It was a fool's dream and she knew it.

The reality was so much easier to believe and it would be coming too soon. The instant regret that would register in his brain, the remorse, the mental back track from where they had been to where they were and where they needed to be. It was all so cliché and yet so typically Josh. He would overreact, miss the point, and ultimately say something stupid that he would regret far too late. At least she could have something to saver. Some small piece of him that he couldn't take away and maybe he would retain a piece of her as well. She smiled at the thought and closed her eyes once more, just in time to hear his sharp inhale. She felt his muscles tense as she relaxed her own. Too soon, the dream was over and reality had come to take its place.

Without looking at him, she could feel his struggle, torn between what he wanted and what he had to do. It would be easy to prolong the inevitable, but instead, she gave him his first out. With a sigh, she rolled away from him, allowing the distance to grow and settle. Allowing the cold to overtake her body and replace the warmth of his. Allowing her heart to freeze, if only for a moment, so that she could play the part she needed to play and get out while her heart was still in one piece.

For a moment, only silence, and in that moment she allowed herself to believe that maybe she would be wrong. That maybe he would surprise her for the second time in 24-hours and say the words she so desperately wanted to hear, but the harsh salutation assured her that wouldn't be the case.

"Same to you" she managed to let slip before she could catch herself. Her eyes opened in enough time to see the steel of his shoulder muscles tighten at the sound of her voice and she braced herself for what came next. The blow off, the dismissal, the curt goodbye. He hesitated for only a second, but it was enough for her to take the lead. She had to end this before he took more of her than she could bare to lose.

Lies. All lies. When had she become so good at politics? Wrapping the blanket about herself as a shield, she rose to her feet and distanced herself, but despite the gap he still surrounded her. Permeated from her body. She needed to rid herself of him. Needed to wash away the heat and sweat from her body, to remove him from her if she had any chance. So she escaped. Closing the door and settling the lock into place as the first tears began to fall.

And he didn't come after her.

Hastily she turned on the shower, hoping the noise would drown out any sobs that managed to escape as she turned the water to scalding, letting it burn away the stain of the morning. It wasn't enough, the memories were still there, flooding her mind, heavy like lead, falling hard in the pit of her stomach. She wretched, but managed to keep the contents of her stomach in check. She clung to her stomach as pain sliced through, but nothing more so than the pain which settled deeper within. Allowing the tears to flow, she placed her face under the spray and just let it go, sobbing quietly on the regret, the guilt, the shame. She scrubbed her skin with her hands, but refrained from using his soap, rubbing until it was red and raw.

Finally, the tears stopped and she managed a controlled, but shaking breath. She couldn't hide forever.

Slipping from the shower, she left the water to run while she dried herself off and found her phone. She didn't want to make this harder than it had to be, she wanted whatever excuse she could give herself to leave and leave quickly as she dialed the memorized number of a local cab service and gave them the address. It would be awhile, since not many were working the holiday, but she could easily slip outside and wait in the cold air. Away from him.

Closing the phone, she pulled on her sweater and her dress slacks from the previous evening, tucking her underwear into her bag and gazed up at herself in the mirror. The woman she had been was no longer there. Sure, the reflection looked like her, but she was different. Changed. Her eyes were red, but not noticeably. The smell of coffee filled the air and she managed a smile to think she had at least done one thing right for him. If only it could be so easy for her. Tucking her hair into a tight knot, she grabbed her bag and made her way from the bathroom to the main room.

"I see you found the coffee" she managed with a quip, reaching for her shoes and jacket. When she rose, she noted he had as well and was making his way towards her. She couldn't handle it if he came to close, knew she would lose what composure she had left, so she lifted a hand. She was thankful when he stopped a safe distance away, it gave her time to think, to process what he was saying. Nothing but empty words, empty gestures.

Already, she felt suffocated, closed. She could handle so much, but in this she was lost. She just wanted to fade from existence and learn to pretend it hadn't happened. If only she could be like him.

"I'll see you Monday" she said as she reached for the door, not looking back as she stepped outside and closed it behind her. Maybe if she had she would have seen the look of panic on his face. Maybe if she had stayed just a moment longer, she would have noticed that same look in his eyes that echoed in her own. But she didn't. Too eager to flee before her emotions caught the best of her. Escaping into the cold before her mind could process anything other than the emptiness within.

By the time the cab showed up 20 minutes later, she was completely numb.


End file.
